Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
#ProTip
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
so this horse walks into a bar
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”