The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
My Guy
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
“A little help here, Danny?”
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.