So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
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Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
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People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
This is true.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.