It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
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The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it