*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.