You Might Also Like
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.