I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Running from your problems is cardio .
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
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My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year