Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
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Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Unexpected Judgment
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
That’s easy for you to say
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.