When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
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My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem