[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
NOT all policemen are strippers.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed