the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
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[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.