Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
me and the Superbowl rn
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
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