“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
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Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.