[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
this independent good boy don’t need no human
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
listen closely
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.