2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
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Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.