me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
You Might Also Like
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
*me flirting
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.