I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’