I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
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WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Thank you corporation very cool
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?