Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
There is no “we” in pizza
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
It’s actually Dr. whatever
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Buck naked
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR