The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
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I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not