John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
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If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Anime is real
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.