Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
You Might Also Like
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.