The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
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Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.