i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
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I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer: