Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Remember folks 😂
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)