According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
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Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?