Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
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The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
me
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.