Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
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I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Life is a suicide mission.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.