[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
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Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.