Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
thank god
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
a wizard dating app called bumbledore