Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
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Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.