I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
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4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?