ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
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agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.