Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”