Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I love the National Park Service.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
What a year we’ve had this week.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.