“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
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Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Remember folks 😂
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
me
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
RT if you know someone like this!!!
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.