Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.