*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
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Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?