Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
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Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I can also cook 😂
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you