The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience