If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower