Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
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Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.