My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
the three genders
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.