Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
No chill.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…