*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
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[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.