I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
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Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I’m sure it’s fine.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.