No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
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STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
This meal prepping shit easy
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.