I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
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Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Only short people can save us
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Wake me when AI does housework