god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
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step 6: release the wall snake
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
the icebreaker
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Cndnsd Mlk
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.