Um … Hot Wings please
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Lmfao
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels